Monday, September 14, 2015

Not Proud Of This...

Sometimes I struggle with facing and expressing my emotions. It's like I can't comprehend them and I feel anxious or confused or confrontational when I'm forced to recognize and articulate them out loud. 

Due to this I can't help but feel like I'm not connecting with people in the way that I should be. Especially my husband. I want nothing more than to give him what he needs from me on a personal heart to heart level,  but sometimes I can't. I wish I could just talk to him the way I mean to...the way I want to, but it doesn't come out right. I know that it hurts us in the long run and I do want to change it, I'm just not sure how.

Even as I write this, I know how silly I sound because being that we are married I must open up to him in some way, right? I thought that too, but I do the bare minimum sometimes and I know it. I don't mean to.

I would definitely credit this problem to my last relationship. I wasn't expected to speak my emotions nor did I care enough to. I do know that I'm still a little fucked up from that one.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Mrs. Mister

I'm getting married in a few weeks...We have yet to choose a location. I don't think I'm as excited as I should be. Maybe that will change when the day gets closer or when final decisions have been made. Right now all I feel is trapped and overwhelmed. I'm going to lose a few more pounds before my wedding....What better motivation.

If I'm being real with myself, I'm not going to put a huge effort in losing weight since I've already met my real goal of getting back to my pre baby weight of 125. The only thing that makes me even consider the idea of losing more weight is the fact that that my shape is slightly different after the baby.

My baby girl is going to be a year old two days before we get married. She's walking now. She really is my heart. I am having a tough time with her growing up. It still seems like I just had her. I just really cannot believe how fast life goes sometimes.

The Mister is on me about finding a job in my field. The truth is that I'm not in any rush to find a new job right now. I just really want to enjoy being able to fill my free time with things that do not include work, school, accounting or job searching. In order to avoid the confrontation I'm going to keep that to myself for as long as I can.

It's tax time...I think many of us are happy about that...especially me. I have had the worst car troubles after I sold ole reliable. Needless to say I am I the market for a car...asafp.

I am ready for a vacation. A real vacation. Something planned just for us, not having to do at all with visiting anyone's family. The Mister wants to go to NY to visit and stay with his brother. In essence it sounds nice, but in reality staying in a NY apartment with another family equals no privacy, no fun, no sex. I'm not interested.

After further thought maybe the Mister is right about the job situation. I'm pretty much done working with the public in a customer service position. I would rather have a cubicle where I could complete my tasks and head home at a decent hour. I don't know if I mentioned, but my current job doesn't even offer holiday pay...that's a problem huh?

I'm going to write a story in my free time...Maybe.

Monday, September 29, 2014

National Coffee Day

Getting right to it...

I was two hours late to work on my first day of shadowing. It was completely out of my control. I would have been on time except my car decided to completely stop working on the highway. It was a tragedy. Not only did the car stop working my phone is shut off, which meant I couldn't call for help.

So there I was stuck in morning rush traffic, in a non moving car, on the highway, with no phone and next to zero knowledge about cars. Out of pure frustration I cried...a lot before I made the decision to walk....a pretty long distance just to use a phone to call the Mister, who an hour and a half later called my job for me.

When I finally clocked in management was really understanding and it was no hard feelings...which made me feel a little less like shit.

On the bright side I got a free coffee from QT and a little bit of a workout.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Random Thoughts

Im watching You've Got Mail. Its in the top five of my favorite movies ever...I've probably mentioned that here long ago. That movie is the reason I decided to get a pen pal of my own almost ten years ago.

Its been rocky times here at our little house. The Mister and I just are not seeing eye to eye. I'm not sure how to tell him my feelings without it coming off in a negative way. We are fighting each other at every turn it seems. I'm just to the point where I do not care. Emotionally I am just shutting down. I feel downplayed and belittled and I need a break from it.

In other news I start my job this week. Thursday is orientation. I'm excited to talk to other people. I'm even more excited to have a life outside of the Mister and his house. I don't think he is too happy about it...though I could be wrong.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Ho Hum...

My baby is seven months old today. 

Where did the time go? Shes getting so big so fast. This morning she made some crawling progress. I was told that once they start crawling not to blink, if you do they become angsty, rebellious teenagers who want nothing to do with you...the worst part is no one sees it coming. I can see me now alone in my closet on the floor crying going through her baby pictures while asking myself where my baby went....inevitable.

I think even more than me getting sick of being home I just miss the level of independence I used to have. Not so much as it pertains to money, but I miss having a life outside of the Mr. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but its true. It just comes down to me being bored and sick of the monotony. 

On the bright side I have two more interviews this week. I am bound to get something. I'm staying positive.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Blowing The Dust Off...

Naturally, so much has happened since my last appearance here seeing as how its been several years its hard to know where to start.

I am still with my NNG. We are coming up on five years together and going strong. We now have a house and a seven month old, he named her Iris. She is the love of my life. I quit working at the casino when she was born. Needless to say, seven months, later I am ready to go back to work. Lucky for me I have an interview next week at another casino. (Casinos are my favorite.)

 I am very grateful for the life I have now. I am especially grateful to the NNG (Jacob). If it were not for him willing to work his ass off just so I can be home with the baby, I'd probably be a basket case. I don't want to leave her now, but truth be told I am getting a little stir crazy. In the same breath, the idea of me missing a milestone breaks my heart completely.

In other news, Ive been in school for a year or so now chasing down a degree in accounting. Assuming I pass my current and future classes, I should graduate in the first half of 2015. As happy as I am to be in school I am anxious for it to be over.

 Before I decided to be a housewife I imagined I'd have more time to burn some of my creative oil...not the case. As it turns out, it is hard to find the time in between nursing, studying, laundry, stimulating the growing curiosity of Iris, pumping, cleaning..etc. I suppose I could do better on the schedule front.

Oh well...can't complain really.

Until next time...

Monday, June 27, 2011

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Random Thoughts...

I’m still working at the casino and yes I still really like that job….but I want my life back. It’s not that I really did much to begin with, but I want the option to get out and live...

The NNG decided it would be a good idea to rub in the fact that I do not have nights and weekends off with him. “When is your next weekend off?” He says, “I do fabulous things without you.” How nice of him to rub that in for me huh? As if I wasn’t already fully aware of how much of a life I do not have now that I have this job. So needless to say, even though I really like my job, it is time for a new one…for more reasons than one.

In other news the NNG finally bought himself a truck….FINALLY. I am probably more excited than him because for me this means having my car, privacy and respect for my general things back to myself. Not to mention the cessation of tiffs over whose turn it is to fill the fucking thing. Finally my car will stay clean as opposed to the frustrating, unnecessary mess he leaves after EVERY use.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ahh Love...

Lately the NNG has been asking me more often if I will be with him forever. I honestly can't imagine anything else.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ah Love...

The one thing I absolutely hate about the NNG is that he has an unnerving gift for making me feel like a complete dumbass. No matter what it is.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

More Random Things.

So for the summer I'm going to take yoga classes. I really want to take an art class, but I want to be active somehow. I suppose I could do both, but working would have to work out with my sleep schedule and be somewhat affordable.

I sent the NNG a clothed, semi explicit video. It was the first one I ever sent him. He had no idea it was coming, but he loved it. Its a sexy game for me seeing how and what I can do to get him going and distracted while hes out working.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but a while ago I used to have nightmares. They went away for a full year I think, but now they're back. I don't know whats up. Some of them are really disturbing and can bother me throughout my day, not often does that happen, but it sucks either way.

Random Things.

Lately, the early mornings have been my favorite time of day. I'm usually alone and at complete peace with myself as opposed to my unusual stressed inner monologue as of late.

My mind has been going a million miles a minute about EVERYTHING. Mostly my life with the NNG and the decisions we're starting to make together. Its on my mind constantly. One, because I've never had to make big decisions with anyone before and two, because I am often at a crossroads as to what decision is the RIGHT one...etc.

I trust him and us so I'm sure I'll work it out.

Ive decided that for my birthday I want a FULL spa day...the works. My birthday isn't until July, but I know it wont be cheap so I told the NNG last night thinking he can start saving for it now. Ha. I hope he gets it for me. This is the first year that I know exactly what I want.

We've decided to redo the guts of our place before we get a house. It seems more practical, but agreeing on the furniture will be the problem. We don't have the same taste. I'm more into sleek and modern, hes more into whatever the opposite of that is.

We will see.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Moving Forward

The NNG and I have been looking to rent a house together. I love the idea of us making a home together. I would feel less like a squatter. He assures me that I am 100% wrong on that.

The best part of this is the fact that we seem to be moving towards something in our relationship. We're not at a stand still and our commitment to each other is reaching a whole new level. This makes me happy. I think we are starting to understand one another a whole lot better each day, so that helps.

Speaking of happiness...the NNG quit his job. He just walked right out of there. He couldn't take it so he left for break and never went back. I was so happy and proud of him. He hated that place and now he is free of it. That's a good feeling...I'm sure many people can relate.

For him this means more doing what he loves and way more money.

As for me, I'm still loving my new job. I'm just recently out of my 90 days, which means I'm making even more money than when I started.

Now we are entertaining the idea of a joint savings account.

We will see.

Friday, February 11, 2011

I know size doesn't matter, but have you ever had the opportunity to have sex with a very well hung guy and done it simply because he was well hung?

My NNG is VERY well hung. The very first time I saw it, my first instinct was to bail. All that aside, my decision to have sex was never based on size.

Ask me anything

Are you following the crisis in Egypt? Do you follow politics and current events in general?

I do not watch television at all at home, only at work do I catch whats going on in the world, though every now and then I may read up on something via mobile browser.

Ask me anything

Do you think that Twitter has replaced Instant Messaging?

I never really jumped on the Twitter train, but I suppose it is possible.

Ask me anything

What makes you happy? What makes you smile?

Cookies. Mmm.

Ask me anything

1st Anniversary.

The NNG and I had our first anniversary this past Wednesday. We didn't do anything extra special to mark the event, although I'm sure it will be remembered.

I really did want to go out to dinner or something...oh well.

What we did do was get four redbox movies and ordered Chinese food. The highlight of the night, for me, was our amazing make out session on the futon. That's something we haven't done in a while. I missed it.

The last few months of our relationship year have been tough ones. There have been times where it hurt so bad I just wanted to give up. I've absolutely cried more in this last year than I have ever cried in my life. I'm sure he could say something similar. The option of parting ways has come up more times than I'd like to admit, but that extremity lost out every time, which could possibly speak wonders about us.

All the low points aside I can honestly say that I have also never smiled, loved, laughed, experimented, or really lived life until I met him. He makes me believe great things can happen.

Go figure.

Monday, February 7, 2011

What Happened To Common Law?

The NNG is trying to drag me along to yet another of his family wedding. Its his brother this time. UGH.


I dont like weddings and I do not want to take time off to go to one.

I would rather work.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Have you ever had sex with black men?

Yeah. It was a long time ago, in high school.

Ask me anything