Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Nothing Much

I have three days in a row off. Wednesday Thursday and Friday. So far I've absent mindedly made plans for each day. I don't think I'm going to get to just relax. I'm going to try to cancel some of those plans. I need some me time.

At work today a guy came in. He was more sexy than he was cute. The thing that made him sexy was his unexpected maleness and his sent. He just seemed so male..manly..masculine. I don't know how else to explain it, all I know is that I wanted him in that moment.

The more time I spend at my job the more I hate it. I want a better paying job so bad it hurts. As soon as that happens I can move forward in life.

My friend keeps saying that she wants me to move in with her and sleep on her couch. As much as I want to move out I don't want to move out like that. Today we were talking about getting a big apartment with three people. I'm not so sure about that. I don't want to live with her friends and I'm sure she wouldn't want to live with any of mine. So there goes that.

I'm thinking about cutting my hair. Right now it's long black and curly. I'm thinking of getting it like Anne Hathaway's in The Devil Wears Prada. I think it's cute.

My cell phone bill was 246.56. I share a plan with my mom and since we agreed that I would pay it she thinks she can run it up. I don't make that much so money and that bill is my whole pay check...literally. Next week I'm getting my own plan and with my job I get 15% off my bill so I wont be paying more than 80 bucks per month depending the typeof plan. Another perk is that I'll be able to get 75 dollars off of any phone I pick so I'm happy about that.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Just Stuff

My shifts are longer I no longer work 5 hour shifts I only work 7 and 8 hour shifts, which I hate. I don't get paid enough to even act like I care what happens to that shop. I hope it burns down or blows up in the middle of the night...I don't really mean that, but if that does happen do you think they will keep the workers on payroll...I wonder.

I kicked it with some friends last night. We drank Bacardi Watermelon rum. Since I'm not a drinker and I'm thin that stuff was pretty strong to me. I only drank a small amount and I was a little out of it. My friend decided that she could 'handle' it so she drank two glasses straight and a glass of White Zinfandel. Long story short it turns out she couldn't at all handle it.

When I drank I didn't like it so I ate tons of bread to soak it up and I drank tons of water to break it down and within 20 minutes I was fine. At least now I know my limit so I can never make that mistake again. Live and Learn...Right?

I'm going to start looking for another job that pays more because this job is not at all cutting it. If I were to move out like I was planning to I could barely afford the rent. So something has to be done. I almost feel a little bad about quitting because I know I am going to eventually, but these wages are not going to pay the bills.

I think I'm going to order another Matchbox Twenty DVD from Amazon. Its going to be the vh1 storytellers DVD. I cant wait. I'm hoping that maybe since the come back is upon us that they might re-release it. Fat chance of that happening.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Come Back

I finally heard the new Matchbox Twenty song I forget what its called. I think it's called How Far We've Come. In fact I'm pretty sure that's what its called. I only heard it once but I think its okay. I had to listen to it on YouTube.

Their new album is said to come out October 2nd. I cant wait. The come back is upon us.

I ordered their 2 disc DVD called Show. I would have just bought it in the stores, but I couldn't find it anywhere which is understandable because its pretty old.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Twenty Today

Today -July 15- is my birthday.

This is my second decade. I'm officially no longer a teenager, which doesn't mean anything. I mean it's not like I get any special privileges....right.

I went to see Sicko. I want to say I was surprise at what I heard, but I'm not. I am however surprised at the extent some people will go just to keep another down.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Decisions Decisions

Its been a while since I've last wrote. A lot has happened. I'm not quite sure where to start.

I had a fight with one of my friends. It was so stupid It made me pretty mad, but everything is fine now.

My other friend asked me to move in with her for only 100 dollars  a month. Not bad. The only reason I probably wont is because I don't have a car but when I get the financial aid back from school maybe I can get one at the end of August.

As much as I want to move out I don't want it to be premature. I cant really explain it but I want to ready on all levels. Maybe I can move in second semester when I have a car so I wouldn't have to rely on her for rides to and from work or school. I just don't want to be a burden.

I cant go to that other university because I only have 21 credits instead of 24. I really don't care anymore since things seem to be moving along nicely here. Who knows how long this feeling will last.

I've always told myself that when I do get a car that I was going to leave first chance I get. I guess we'll see.

The boss from my old job at the hotel called and told me that I had to come pick up my last check. I don't have a problem with finding a way to get there but its what she said that made me mad. She said something along the lines of her not seeing me so the check has just been sitting there.

She said it like it was my fault that its been siting there in her office. How the hell am I supposed to know I have a check there unless someone tells me. When I was working there my checks were deposited I didn't have to worry about picking them up. And as far as her not seeing me, why would she? I no longer work there and I don't hang out at hotels.

So it turns out that my new job has one benefit. I get 15% off of my Sprint bill. When I found out I was happy because I could be putting that money toward something else like an apartment or a car.

I ran the idea of me moving out past my mom and the first thing she said was, "Can I sill claim her on my taxes?" Then she said, "Don't tell your daddy because once he hears that you might be moving out then he doesn't have to pay child support anymore and I need it."

Then she tears up and says that she doesn't want me to leave. So I told that the only reason she doesn't want me to leave is because of the money she might be missing out on. She admitted it, then told me that I wont be able to make it on my own.

My birthday is coming up and my mom is doing anything special for me and my friend slash possible roommate knows how my mom is and she told me that her mom would go to dinner with me. I love her mom so much.

I'll be twenty on Sunday. I'm almost no longer a teenager.

I need someone to help me and tell me what they would do or what they think I should do. I don't want to fail on my first chance at life.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

The Party

So the party was yesterday and everything went okay.

It was actually kind of fun. I met a few new people who seem pretty cool. I spent the majority of the night talking to some guy. Once we were introduced we just kind of stuck together.

Then there was this other guy who was invited by the 'birthday girl'. Her intentions were to get us to hit it off. I would have and wanted to speak to him but I couldn't seem to get away from that other guy. Then the invited guy's friend came up to me and told me that he really wanted to talk to me. I feel kind of bad not speaking to him.

Maybe later on tonight I'll see him again. Well on to the biggest event of the night. My friend (B-day girl) has a guy friend who she's liked for a while now but did nothing because she was afraid of messing up a good friendship...long story short they ended up on making out with each other. It was one of those things that was bound to happen sooner or later...its been building up for months now. I'm happy for her. I think she's scared that it might be a little weird between them. I might have to agree with her because they were under the influence.

Monday, July 2, 2007


At times I feel as if I'm out of emotions. I'm not quite sure how to really explain it so I'm going to leave it at that.

My head hurts.

I hate when people go out of their way to make promises that we both know they're not going to keep. I'd rather the person not say anything at all...ever.

I don't like what I'm becoming or what I am so far. I don't really live life. I'm just kind of there. I'm the only person I know who just doesn't care about anything. Seeing as how we're on the subject how does one know when they have truly lived?

If I had to guess it would be when one has loved and loss. I'm sure there's more to it than that but who knows.

As much as I hate people I wouldn't mind meeting some new ones in another town/city/state of course. I want to meet someone who could possibly contribute something to my life and hopefully I could do the same for them.

Its summer I should find a fling of some sort....yeah right not in this lifetime. Nothing exciting or risky ever happens to me. I'm sadly becoming used to it.

I think I might go ahead and try to go to a university for school. We'll see how it works out. The worse case scenario would be me stuck back at a community college, which I hate. With my 'luck' I wont be going anywhere, but I might as well try it. I don't think its possible to feel any lower than I already do.

If I haven't mentioned before my friend is having her 20th birthday party tomorrow. From what Ihear its going to be pretty big. We'll see if I find any ounce of fun in it at all. Its hard to have fun or to find fun when you're not happy.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Here We Stay

 We were supposed to be moving to Georgia August 1st, well that's not going to happen. I was excited for the change. I knew it wasn't going to happen though, but its nice to have something to look forward to in life. Any other time I'd dread waking up, but since there isn't going to be any relocating after all I'm back to dreading.

I need a new environment something that motivates me. My life here just feels so final. I haven't even enrolled for my second year of college yet. I haven't the desire to either. I actually don't want to or care to do anything at all...ever. Its quite sad really. I'm convinced that the cure to this is leaving. It seems simple enough right?......Wrong.

I want there to be a way out that is visible to me, but it doesn't seem like that's ever going to happen.

My friend and I have birthdays in the same month hers is July 3 and mine is July 15. We have plans to drive to St. Louis, which isn't very far but what else would I be doing...nothing. Seeing as how she has a new apartment I'm going to buy her a lamp or a wall clock. It doesn't sound like a good gift but that's what she wants and I'm all good and fine with it. Whatever works for her.

My life is depressing. Don't get me wrong I have a fairly comfortable life but for some reason It just doesn't feel...complete. Theres nothing to smile about. How cliche is that?