Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It seems that I've been by these parts often as of late. Maybe I'm troubled.

I'm not sure what to say so I guess I'll just start by saying that I was off today. Yay. I didn't do much, just went to a movie with some friends. We went to see the new Adam Sandler movie. Adam looked good...enough said.

I believe that I'm off tomorrow as well. I'm a little happy about that. I just so happen to have a few ideas as to what I would like to do. I'd share with the world but its a little x-rated...jk.

I was thinking of dying my hair again...surprise surprise. I wont do it, although I probably should my hair is a crazy color right now.

Today I couldn't help but notice how familiar everything is. All the things, people and places surrounding me are things that I know all too well. Its time for a change not like its ever going to happen, but I can say it.

Lately all I've been hearing is silence...metaphorically. I could be sitting in a room full of people, sounds and all things of the like, but not here a thing. I cant really say why that is. I haven't really been wanting to do anything. I haven't really the desire to either. The only thing I want to do is get the heck out of here and never look back.

I need direction I'm caving in and I don't feel it. I'd say that Im comfortably numb, but how would that sound? Not like I care either way because in the end none of it matters.

I'm aggravated for no good reason...straight out from underneath. When it comes to pass all the good slips away. Forget the lights things look dirty when they're on.

Jessica.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

This nothing is so normal. I know exactly how this works. I need a new feel.

I was thinking about The Libertine, as I randomly do throughout the day, and I came to the conclusion that maybe he lived life the way he did because in the end none of it matters. We live to die.

Its more like we live cry, loose, smile occasionally hurt, agonize, strain, suffer and then we die.

Oh well, its not like it matters.

Jessica.

Monday, June 9, 2008

I cant sleep. I havent tried. Im drinking Heavy Metal. So what.

I drank tonight. I dont even like drinking. Its just not my thing. People do stupid things when they drink. Im not all the way sober, but if I keep typing you'll soon know the extent of my intoxication.

Life fucking sucks. Bad things happen to good people. Theres no such thing as fair. If youre happy something will ruin it for you. There no such thing as positive because everything that happens is pretty much the opposite. When good things do happen, if by some trip of the universe youre that lucky person, then something bad will soon follow. Everything comes with a price including happiness. I dont even think happiness exists. Its just something that keeps you smiling for a while then next thing you know youre down again. Its temporary just like life. Fuck it.

Im not a happy person. Im not sure why, its just the way it is. I dont look for happiness either. Shame on me huh? I figure why waste the time when ultimately youre going to let down. I've accepted that reality years ago.

Why the fuck are we here? I dont get it. I dont get why we have to go all out to go to school get a job have a family and all that shit just to die. It all just seems so pointless. I could do without the spaces in between, if you could tell me now what it means to be.

I shouldnt drink Im more depressing when I do.

Jessica.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Its pretty late or extremely early depending on how you look at it and surprise surprise I cant sleep, although I probably didn't give it a fair try.

Now that I think about it my restlessnees might be due to the Chai Hai Monster I drank earlier. In any event I thought I'd ramble a bit so here goes...

Work was long and uneventful. I had a headache for the last hour or two of my shift. On the upside, if such things exist, I have tomorrow off.

I think its funny how people try to tell you what's good for you as if they know, then make decisions with 'your best interest' in mind. Oh well. I guess you cant penalize a person for 'trying to help' right?

I know this guy and I swear he's my favorite person, we are completely opposite and exactly the same he's like my soulmate....we're talking about spontaneity slash acting on impulse and somehow we got to talking about The Libertine and how he, in the movie, lived his life on impulse.

I haven't really thought it out so don't hold anything against me, but I'm not sure that it relates because the character arguably despised life and everything about it, but if those two were to relate does impulse and hating life coexist as well? Of course not, but I've still more thinking to do on the topic.

On a larger scale if acting on impulse feels right and said act is legal and doesnt involve me in anyway whatsoever then go for it...within reason of course.

Seacrest Out!

Jessica.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Out of all my years living I've decided that I like the part of life where the spaces are big, the moments are quiet and the sky is dark. I cant really explain it.

I've learned that one life just aint enough. Shame on the things that I'd be if you could complicate me.

What purpose does human emotion serve? I mean we can react to things all day long, but in the end it changes nothing, making them ultimately pointless to have i.e. the appendix or spleen.

Would being actually be being if emotion didn't exist?  I guess were better off with them, not like I'll ever know otherwise.

There's way more to be said here. Like the role emotions play on mentality, but I rather not get into it. You understand right?

Jessica...Wholly Understated.