Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A lot of times I come here to write about my life and me being stuck in my situation, but I was wrong. It may seem silly, but I really believed that I was stuck. A lot of stuff has been happening in my life that I never write about and I’ll try to touch on most of it now, but I am no longer stuck. I am where I am because of me and only I can change this.
I have not been happy these past few months. Not at all and I do not try to hide it. Those of you who know me know that I am, for the most part, a pretty straight forward person. I say what I mean and vice versa. In my relationship, this has been my downfall. It causes more harm than good, but I will not change that part of me.
I am going to be completely honest in this post and it’s going to bite me in the ass, but this is a long time coming and I need to write about it because I’m still dealing with it. The reason I have not been happy is not due to one single thing it is due to a lot of things.
I had a guy…Lover. I had him. He was mine completely, no matter what. He was always team Jessica; I never had to question his loyalty or his feelings for me. He made it clear…every day. I could always trust him NEVER to break team and he ALWAYS put me first. Of course back then I didn’t appreciate it as much as I probably should have.
Just to be clear, I am not reminiscing. I am reevaluating.
Now I am with a man who is the complete opposite, which is a problem for me, I hope it is obvious why. I, being the person that I am, have mentioned this to him and he made me feel like I was stupid. Plain and simple. Though it’s been proven in our everyday situations and such, he assured me that I was wrong…like I so often am in his eyes.
We have changed and it is clear, but he doesn’t think he has, so again, I am wrong. He is always the first to break team. I don’t give a fuck what he says this is fact….even when it comes to the Shepherd. (More on that later)
Somewhere in the whole mix of my current relationship I’ve lost a little of myself. I have made so many sacrifices for him that I don’t even know what is good for me anymore or what I want. I put him and his comforts, wants, needs and whatever else before my own and a lot of the time it feels like he is doing the same, putting himself before me and that is where the problem is.
We talk, we argue, we yell, we text, we email and at the end it seems like we come to an understanding, but the same issues come back around full circle and it seems like it is happening more often than usual and every single time I feel like we push ourselves further and further apart from each other. When we used to argue, I knew and felt that it was just a speed bump…something that we’ll soon get over, but now we argue and the tension feels like the end of us.
That feeling rips me apart slowly and painfully because I never know what he’s thinking or feeling and most times I am too scared to ask, but I do anyway. What I want is for us to go back to being us. Just us. Together. Alone. Something inside of me says that’s the answer and that we can get back to good. Even after all the hurtful things that have been said, neither of us wants it to be over.
My point is that even if this doesn’t work out, I am not stuck. I am not stuck in this city, at my job or in this relationship. I have options and it took me too long to figure that out. I don’t have to put up with things if they make me unhappy. In every aspect of my life I feel like second best…especially in my relationship. I feel like I do more than what I should. I put in what I want & I get back the opposite. There are days where I wake up & I don't know how I'm going to survive it all. There are days where I never want to get out of the bed.
I'm sick of being broke. I'm sick of feeling alone. I'm sick of doing more than I should. I'm sick of coming home to the same shit. I'm sick of living with slobs. I'm sick and fucking tired of people hating on my dog. I'm sick of being the one who always makes the sacrifice. I'm sick of my feelings being downplayed & swept aside. I’m done with it. Something needs to happen soon.
Now about the shepherd…She’s my dog and she is staying. I don’t care what she does, chews, breaks, licks, spills or gets into she’s staying. End of story.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The NNG asked me if was going to start hanging out with my other friends when I start having extra money. The answer is more than likely, yes. I want to hang out now, the only thing missing is the money. I think he secretly likes that I'm not able to go and do the things that I want to do at least then he doesn't have to worry about me leaving him behind or something.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I don't have anything against the way he thinks and views life, but I do have a problem with him trying to mold me to his ways. Hes like a bum begging for money. He just wont shut the fuck up. I don't try to shove my views onto people, so why do they deem it necessary to do so to me? I don't get it.
I mean he doesn't hear me saying that I think he is a complete moron for believing so vehemently in the fairy tale of positive thinking. Not only can he not explain his case well, but he sounds like a jerk trying to. To me its a joke. No matter how serious and emotional he gets I just cannot take him seriously and I refuse to try.
I don't know if thinking positive comes naturally for him and I really don't care, but he wants me to force myself to think his way and not only will that not work for me, it is just a mask or lie of what my true feelings and thoughts are. It will take up more energy to think his way than to actually think and feel whats real.
I had a job interview for a local casino a few days ago. It went really well and I wasn't nervous at all, I was scheduled for a second interview the same day. The position is Cage Cashier-Full Time if I was selected for the job I would make three more dollars an hour plus tips. I really hope I get this one. I'm not so great at math even basic math, but I am willing to try it before I knock it. I need this change desperately and it really cant be that hard. With three weeks of training, I think I could master it.
Cross your fingers for me!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I don't have much to say this time around except that one of the things I love most about the NNG is that he doesn't try to shield me or keep me away from certain things. He lets me fly, so to speak.
I might as well ramble a little whilst I'm here, yeah?
The NNG and I are going to Vegas on the 16. Its right around the corner.
I'm excited to be experiencing something new with him....its not often we run into something he hasn't previously explored. There is still that whole wedding thing, but hopefully we get time to really relax. He deserves it. He's been working way too much. I wish he would slow down just for a minute.
Its funny how something you were not very partial to in the beginning later becomes one of your favorite things. That's how I feel about the jeans I'm wearing.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
If you lie to someone then you are forever viewed as the person that lied. Same goes if you are caught cheating. You are forever seen as the cheater and no matter what there is nothing you can do to change it.
Even more so, that person will always resent you for it. It will always be there between you....assuming, of course, that you have been 'forgiven'.
It will come up.
Eventually you start to lose yourself trying to prove to that person that you are worth trusting.
There is no winning in that because one day you'll realize that your efforts are to no avail and there is nothing left. The day will come where you know that love isn't enough.
Friday, September 3, 2010
In other less depressing news I have found a book that has been keeping my attention pretty well. Its called Kill Two Birds & Get Stoned by Kinky Friedman. It pretty much had me from the first few sentences and it just keeps getting better.
"There are two good things about living in a basement apartment. The first is
that you cant kill yourself by jumping out the window. The second, and this is
the most important one, is that whatever you do and wherever you go, you know
you're always going to be on the way up..."
I'm only on chapter 20, but thus far I think I'd recommend it.
Things with the NNG are going...alright. We have our ups and our downs, though lately it seems as if our downs lead us into a spiraling pit of flames full of hate and resentment. We can go days without saying two words to each other. Even though we live together and sleep next to each other, if the argument is 'serious' its like we don't exist to the other. We are stubborn that way and I hate that we are so set in our ways that we forget about whats 'important'. Our last three tiffs were close calls and some part of me gives up a little each time, but we always seems to find our way back. Maybe we need a Dr. Phil lesson on how to argue effectively without shutting down, because even though we find our way back it seems as if our 'issues' are unresolved. It is unsettling.
Work is the same. I'm sick of that place. Even though I got a 20 cent raise I'm still in the poor house as if 20 extra cents an hour was going to make me rich or something. I stopped looking for a second job for about a month, but recently started back at my search again. It has become very apparent that I cannot live off this job alone. In all honesty, I knew that and I was prepared to 'deal' with it because the plan was to stay in school, but no. Due to financial aid troubles I am unable to go back to school until I pay $3,500. Unless I strike it rich, its not going to happen.
NNG and I are supposed to be going to Vegas next month for his cousin's wedding. Once again, in all honesty I do not want to go. For one I don't want to be thrown into a situation where I'm being judged on how well I do with his family. I am not a family oriented person. For two neither of us really have the money to go on random trips to Vegas, but its Vegas. Enough said. So I will continue to put my credit cards on the back burner and he will sweep his legal fees under the rug for a few days of boring wedding family events. Let me just say that when I said I was going back to Vegas an innocent family wedding trip was not at all in my plans. Not even a little bit. Its going to suck hard.
My mother is constantly screaming at me to take out a loan from my bank in order to go back to school, "I don't want you ending up like me, get your education early while you still have choices" she says at the top of her lungs. I thought moving out meant I don't get yelled at anymore, but I was wrong. I know she means well, but there is not much I can do with a barely above minimum wage job, so yelling is not going to fix the situation. In her defense education has always been at the top of her list. She is now working on her doctorate, so I understand her strong emotion towards it. She now has two daughters who cant go back to school due to outstanding debts. That's life I guess. Grain of salt and all that.
My mama has mentioned on more than one occasion that she hopes I'm not messing up my life just to be with the NNG, but its hardly his fault. She has something against him, I just don't know exactly what it is. I also don't know if I care really. She'll get over it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I don't know what it is.
I'm not one of those people who needs to have something going on at all times or anything like that, but I'm not a fan of routine either.
I'm going to do something really stupid soon I can feel it.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I heard through the grapevine that we were going to get raises this time around, (last year we didn't) but no one was expecting it to be anything great. In fact, I'm so fed up with this job that I was going to quit if my raise didn't make it to the next dollar bracket, but it did and all is well.
I am still going to continue my search for a job closer to where I live now.
Always entertaining, that one.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Or maybe that's just me.
Every now and then I catch myself drifting back into old habits due to some of the things I hang on to, which is proven to be a not so good thing...but what can you do, right?
Monday, July 5, 2010
I feel like I am going through life waiting for something monumental and good to happen. I get to a point where I'm just on auto pilot until the next big thing comes along. I know better than this of course. I have to make things happen for myself, but when I get into that type of a rut, it takes a little time getting out.
I want to get back into reading. I've stopped and now I need that great escape from reality....especially now that things feel like they're caving down on me. I'd like to start a new long series, something completely time consuming.
My job search has thus far resulted in four interviews and zero callbacks. I don't really have much to say on that except...cant win em all. In my defense I really did try...Honest, I did. I was good, but someone else was better, I guess.
It seems as if the more you let someone in the easier it is for them to tear you down, even if they re not trying to. I let the NNG in completely and it seems like he lacks faith in me when I 'dream big' out loud to him. Its not a fun feeling.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
At least I get time and a half, which will be a nice surprise, I'm sure.
I am having a quarter life crisis and here is the outline of it.
-I've been at my job for three years come December and I barely make over minimum wage.
-I'm going to be 23 and the world is slowly slipping from my fingertips.
-I've been looking and interviewing for new jobs and I'm not having the greatest luck.
-I have bills that my current job cant really cover.
-To top it all off my car started leaking oil.
My next step in life will hopefully change all of this.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Segue to greener grass here.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Recently I've welcomed him back into my life.
I can tell that he regrets not being around.
We're like strangers.
I almost envy the relationship he has with my sister.
I grew up with an awesome step dad.
I didn't want for a single thing.
I'm grateful for that.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Yay! There is a silver lining.
I really want one of these nice little pieces of machinery and this is why, but I dont see that happening anytime soon.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I gave myself a six month time period to have everything back as it should be, with my all my bills paid in full and a small amount of savings on the side for whatever. My self control is amazing, so I can do it.....but not without a second job my current job is nowhere near enough.
My computer is broken. The Geeks have had it since May 28th. I've been sharing a computer with the Nice New Guy, which prevents me from blogging the way I want to, but hopefully I can go pick it up today or tomorrow. I miss it terribly. They keep saying that they will call me when anything changes....they never do. So once again I will be the one calling them.
In other news, I hate the Nice New Guy's dog. She behaves horribly and I'm sick of it.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Love is like...Shit. Judgement. Confusion. Eggshells. Muscle Relaxers. Falling. Purple. ACTs. Excitement. Music. Fear. Lust. Fun. Obligation. Determination. Inspiration. Life.
That's all I've got in the moment.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Ive been coming across a few posts relating to the grass being greener on the other side. Actually I've had this conversation with more than one person over the past few weeks and I think its something we all think about at one time or another.
No matter what the reason is may be, there seems to always be that underlying feeling of 'what if...'.
I've been asking myself that question a lot, which probably says a lot about me.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Nice New Guy and I are now living together.
It might not seem like much to most people, but its quite the hurdle in my life. Everything is so different...in a good way, I think. I've not yet ran away, so it must be in a good way. Ha.
This novelty of this new life is rather interesting.
The bad thing about this situation is that we've both been working our asses off and haven't been able to see each other as much as we used too, it seems....since he now has two jobs.
His hours are early to midday. Mine are midday to midnight.
On the upside we still manage to have plenty of sex.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
I've yet to get an actual interview from my job search.
I'm so close to just saying fuck it and keep the job I have, but I really want to work in the city, it would be so much more convenient.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
There are times where we cant keep our hands to ourselves and we'll end up going at it six or seven times in a day. When those days are upon us it doesn't usually take much to get going and every now and then one of us will pull out something new. So one day I was surfing around on the Internet and I came across the idea to use a vibrator on him. The thought has crossed my mind before, but it was fleeting.
The next day we were being hands on...as usual when I got the idea to blindfold him and torture him a little, which was visibly a huge turn on for him.
Now, the vibrator in question is not one you insert. It's to be used on the surface of the skin, its actually pretty amazing. It came with six interchangeable heads and had one perfect speed.
I say had because as he was blindfolded and after I teased him a little I reached under the pillow in search for the vibrator...the search for it took about five seconds too long, I had a mini burst of what the fuck when I thought it fell between the bed and the wall, but I found it.
As soon as I had it in my hand, I looked down at him...he was completely naked, waiting for whatever was about to happen...he had no idea, it was beautiful. As I twisted the little piece of machinery to it's on position it literally buzzed for half a second and then died.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Fact. I've named my electronics.
Fact. I miss Lover. He was so good to me.
Fact. Lover has set ridiculously high standards for any man after him.
Fact. It took me just recently to figure that out.
Fact. I've named my car Clark Kent.
Fact. I do things knowing that I'll regret it.
Fact. I see the signs and I don't turn around.
Fact. I just maxed my credit cards.
Fact. It'll take two months to pay those off.
Fact. I feel tired enough to sleep for days.
Fact. I've tons of hours coming up and I plan to call in 3 of those days just because I can.
Fact. I let the Nice New Guy get away with things that I would never otherwise tolerate.
Fact. I feel stupid and weak for that.
Fact. My job search has a success rate of zero percent.
Fact. My current job is too far away from where I plan to move.
Cuddle? --Will Smith
Elope with? --Johnny Depp/Rob Pattinson
Love? --Gael Garcia Bernal
Excite beyond words? --Josh Hartnett
Bang? --Brad Pitt/Jude Law
See in bed with their current fling? Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry
Bonus (optional):Tell us about one encounter (if any) that you've had with a celebrity.
Umm, years ago when I was working at a hotel gift shop I saw Bow Wow walk through the lobby he had a concert that night. At that same job Mike Epps and his posse came into the shop. I forget what he bought, but he was in town for a comedy show.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Commando is sexy and a little sleezy at the same time. Be free...why not?
2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?
Hmm for me if I start to go insane, then actual penetration is needed....soon.
3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?
Oral sex is good both ways....most times. When giving it, its more enjoyable when I initiate it on my own rather than him requesting it.
4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?
One is never enough.
5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."
Morning sex...hmm. The Nice New Guy seems to be big on morning sex. In AR's blog I rode the fence on morning sex and coffee. So my answer is...'Well if I have to.'
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?
Don't think so.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Um, I don’t know. Lover and I were really into each other, but we also had our issues, some of which I never wrote about. Some of those things were too much to look past. When it was good it was great. When it was bad it sucked, which is why we had so many breaks. The Nice New Guy is nothing like him. He handles himself in a completely different manner, which is still at times so new to me. The only similarity is probably the fact that they can both get angry pretty quick and they both fancy cigarettes.
How did you and Lover communicate if he hardly ever spoke?
Hmm. I had to learn to read between the lines. Meaning, I paid close attention to his facial expressions and his body language/movements. I had to be a mind reader of sorts. It didn’t bother me because that’s how he is, I accept it. We’re all different. It wasn’t like he was a mute; he just didn’t go around carrying conversations with people for the sake of being social. He is not personable, but it works for him. Ive become more of an observer and less of a talker because of him, especially when it comes to meeting new people....old habits die hard.
Why don’t you post pictures?
I don’t know really. It’s not that I don’t want to or anything, it’s just something that I haven’t done. Lately I’ve been thinking of changing that. We’ll see, I guess. I've actually been taking lots of interesting photos.
Would you ever go back to Lover?
I probably would have, if I didn’t know the Nice New Guy. Not because we had something great, but because it worked for me. It was easy not feeling obligated. We did what we did and that was it…for the most part. Something he did a few years ago put in stone that I would never actually commit to him…I won’t go into it, I come out looking weak. Some of you already know.
Have you met any other bloggers in person?
I like talking to other bloggers. It’s like talking to old friends sometimes, but I’ve yet to meet any of them in person. I had a dream I went to a Blogger Convention and so many people I ‘knew’ was there. Twas very interesting.
Give us some really dirty details about you sex life with the Nice New Guy.
Hmm...where to start. I'm getting all I can stand, but I always want more...I'm wearing him out. He's very tentative to me and my needs, his erection is beautiful and strong. Often times he can bust a nut and keep going for a whole new round...without pause. I really really appreciate that...there are no words.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Now that you're in a relationship, would you ever cheat?
In all honesty, I've thought about it...literally and generally it has crossed my mind and my answer is, no. I wouldn't cheat. I've seen and heard what cheating can do to a person and I cannot imagine putting someone through that. Another reason as to why I wouldn't cheat is because I don't have an excuse for it, nor do I foresee one arising. If it does happen to come to that then we shouldn't be together.
Why do you like the LP Guy so much?
Actually, I think Ive already answered this one, but I'll go ahead say it again. Hes seven years older than me. I dig older men. Hes a guys guy. Hes honest, blunt and doesn't hesitate when he talks to me. He loves his job, which I find amazing and rare. No subject is off limits, he has an eye for detail and we mesh well. Plus he introduced me to Chevelle. Bonus...hes an AWESOME texter...so good it deserved all caps. Texting is of my favorite things.
You have mentioned having a threesome with another woman, have you always been attracted to women?
Hmm. No, this is a new development of sorts. I've always admired the beauty of a woman, but I've never really seen a chick and thought, 'Damn I'd like to get in them panties.' With this whole threesome thing my views have since changed, for the cause.
Whats the news on the threesome? Will you post about it?
Talks of it have simmered down. Other, more important, things have been taking place so the threesome thing kind of got put on pause, but I am one thousand percent sure that its still something he wants to do. More specifically, the talks slowed down when I mentioned our third being a male....he didn't like that too much. His mind doesn't open that way, I guess. If it happens I will definitely post about it...no doubt.
Why did you take a lot of your blogs down?
I didn't think anyone would notice actually, but I took them down because it was a completely different time when I wrote some of that stuff and a lot has changed. I didn't want any confusion as it were. Everything written by Lover was taken down because that chapter has ended. I'll probably re post some of them soon.
What is better, sex with Lover or sex with the Nice New Guy?
Too different to compare. I wouldn't know where to begin and I don't think I should.
Are you ever going to have sex with the LP Guy since he's your favorite?
At one point I wanted to...badly...and I would have, but during that time I was with Lover and I have a one at a time personal rule. To answer the question, I don't foresee it happening anytime soon, if at all for that matter..so no.
Why haven't you posted about any encounters with the Nice New Guy?
Well. Good question. I don't have a good answer though. Ive been writing about the encounters. I have billions of drafts, but every time I sit down to write one I never seem to finish it....then the moment is lost and I never come back....soon though.
You said that Lover was intense at everything he did, even sex. How does the Nice New Guy compare?
Lover being intense is an understatement. He is the king of brooding intensity. The Nice New Guy is the exact, complete, polar opposite of Lover. On the intensity scale to 10...Lover is a 30. Nice New Guy is a 4. Sex included.
Why don't you write about any other men?
Hmm. Good question. I guess no other man has left any significant impact on my life that urges me to write about them. Maybe I'll start doing flashback posts...Millions of things are running through my head...should be fun.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I was proven right when I introduced a childhood friend to some friends from high school...bad vibes all day, but this isn't about that.
Now, I'm all about bringing people together, but things are different when it comes to certain people. For example...and the reason for this post...the Nice New Guy wants to meet Rob the Roommate.
Its not a big deal on paper, but in reality I just don't feel good about it.
Its like Affliction/Tapout meets Vans/Sonoma.
I remember an issue Lover and I used to have about me not introducing him to my friends and family. He thought I was hiding him, which wasn't the case, but in all honesty who would want to meet someone who rarely ever speaks back when he's spoken directly to? He couldn't care less about first impressions. Lover is the type of guy who is not going to change for anyone, what you see is what you get. (I applaud him for that...to a certain extent)
Rob the Roommate is rude in a different way. If midway into the conversation he stops giving a fuck, he'll tell you. If you say a word that doesn't have any logical definition (oh, ah, um, hmm) he'll stop listening.
The Nice New Guy is the complete opposite. Hes personable, he smiles and can talk about anything. He knows so much, it amazes me sometimes. (Swoon)
All of this is irrelevant.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I've always said he was my favorite.
I've always said that I had a deep deep superficial love for him.
I've always said that I'd marry him for no other reason than our highly entertaining conversations.
I meant it....but it seems my posting about him will come to an end.
The reason for this new and devastating development....Nice New Guy.
I don't have anything to hide from him so whenever the LP Guy messaged me I didn't run to another room to talk to him because I didn’t think it was an issue. (all the LP Guy and I ever do is talk. He lives an hour away) Well, turns out my guy doesn't like the idea of the barely present LP Guy. (maybe I should have ran to another room)
I completely understand where he's coming from, regardless of that slick shit comment I just made. In all honesty, I don't want to stop talking to the LP guy. It seems like I've known him for forever it makes me unhappy not to talk to him, but I get it.
All this adds up to me being selfish.
I don't want to not talk to the LP Guy, but I don't want to draw lines in our conversations as the Nice New Guy mentioned as an option.
Objectively it would seem like I don't respect my guy enough to do the right thing, but in my own defense that's not true. I more than respect him; I can only hope he knows that. Which is why I'm going to cut the LP Guy out altogether instead of drawing lines...because once again, I'm selfish.
If I can't have the sprinkles, I don't want the cake.
I fell into deep superficial love with him because of his outspoken, unrestrained self...it won't be the same if I tell him to stop all the things I like and to alter who he is just so I can keep him around.
Once again, if I can’t have the sprinkles...I don’t want the cake.
I'm going to justify this by saying that if I continued to talk to him after my guys request not to, our conversations would not change in content, thus damaging our relationship.
Back to reality.
It may not seem like it, but in my own sick, twisted way the Nice New Guy does come first.
Maybe I'm not selfish at all.
In fact, one could see this as a small sacrifice of sorts...hmm.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
There are many things that turn me on, but the one thing that gets me every time is when I am told what is going to be done to me.
2. Quick! Look around you and name 3 ordinary items that could be used sexually.
Tide Bleach Pen (Nice shape and size)
3. Do you consider sex good even if you don't orgasm?
Yes. Its not often that I don't orgasm, but when I don't the feel of him alone is quite enjoyable.
4. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, what sexual position or act would you like to experience from the other side?
Doggy Style because it seems to be a favorite to many people...and Side Fucking because its my favorite.
5.Describe a sexual fantasy in 10 words or less.
Sex in the stacks.
Bonus (optional): Pretend you're a doctor and a patient has come in with an "ache". What is your course of "treatment"?
Take these, get laid and call me in the morning with details.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I'm a just in case early bird.
Rob Thomas said it best.
'I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.' (Unwell)
Life sucks hard sometimes, but I feel like there's always a chance that tomorrow will be okay if I start off early.
Sleep. Wake up. Survive. Start over.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I've said this before, but I have ZERO tolerance for people who think things are owed to them just because they exist.
Sorry life doesn't work that way....Get fucking used to it.
No one owes you shit. ESPECIALLY not me.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It went fine, I guess. There's nothing really special to report about it, but since I said I would here goes...
She seemed nice and was friendly, I suppose. We had lunch at a joint. I actually think they should change the name of that place to Joint...it fits better. It was awkward at first due to the weeks of anticipation.
We talked about books, dogs and cheese....that's pretty much it.
The next day he and I had dinner with my mama and sister. Its not the first time he's met them, but I'm sure that sucked for him. I mean, even I wouldn't want to have dinner with my mama. I know how she is. She can judge your entire character with a single look or question and from there she decides if she wants to deal with you or not. She doesn't like to waste her time and she doesn't care for the bullshit. You need to have your stuff straight to even be on her radar. To top it off she doesn't hide any of it....It'd be hilarious if it weren't so true.
The whole meeting the family thing SUCKS. I don't like it. The alternating holidays routine is not fun for me. Ive only met two other mothers in my life and they were both by surprise. Those guys knew me well enough to know that it was not something I necessarily wanted to do.
The first one was in high school. I had a curfew then and it was after a school dance. We had some time to kill so he took me to meet his mother. It was quick. Not at all awkward. She liked my hair. I was shy then, they both understood that and didn't push much conversation out of me. I appreciated that. We looked at pictures.
Side note: It is not fun for me to see family pictures. I just don't care that much. If its not hanging on the wall I don't want to know.
The second time was Lover's mom. I had no idea where we were going, which was not unusual as he hardly spoke. His mom is best described as loving. She hugged me a lot and she cooked for me. Conversation flowed easy with her. Seeing her was like being around family...it was just easy. I kind of miss her. It is hard to believe that Lover is her son. I wouldn't mind paying her a visit.
I'm not at all looking forward to meeting the Nice New Guy's dad...Not even a little bit.
Whatever, I guess.
I cannot stand it when people ask me for money, I wont do it. Its not like it happens often, but it still pisses me off. We are all in the same boat, and that boat is called broke as fuck. I am not a bank, nor am I your fucking mother...go away. Its not happening I don't care who you are. I'm not talking about a dollar here five dollars there. Im talking 50 plus...the answer is no.
I'm starting to shutdown. I don't know why, but I can feel myself disconnecting. I'm sleeping an awful lot, which, if you know me or if we've spoken, is not normal. Pretty soon I'm going to be on auto pilot. Work, sleep. Sleep, work. Nothing in between. Good way to save money. I'm looking forward to it actually.
I'm going to put in for more hours...we'll see if I'll actually get them. Speaking of work, I have been looking for another job, so far no luck, but whatever.
Here are the thoughts that have been floating in my head and some that were actually shared over the past few days.
-I don't like feeling as if everything is my fault. I don't like being the one who is constantly apologizing for how I feel. If I'm miserable and you're in earshot you are going to know about it. End of story. Deal with it or else a decision has to be made. That's it.
-Its warming up. I thought I would be happy about the warmer weather, but I'm not. I do not enjoy sweating like a fucking pig for no reason.
-I hate, hate, hate having to repeat myself.
-I'm turning into my mother, which is not a bad thing, but it means having ridiculously high standards. She's right most times, but even still we are polar opposites on most topics.
-Its a good thing I can watch my shows online.
-I left my guys house on a not so good note, which is really too bad...I kind of wanted to get laid again before my 28 days are up.
-Just because you are a serial monogamous and I'm not does not mean you know it all. It means you have a problem...not me.
-If it is so easy for you to throw in the towel, tell me what the point is.
-Slow and steady does not win the race.
-I'm probably going to say something I shouldn't say...I'm going to think about it, I'm going to say it and its likely that I'll regret it, but I'm going to say it anyway.....Oh well.
-My priorities are fucked and there is absolutely no reason for it....No good reason at least. I haven't been doing a single productive thing these last few weeks. I need to start doing for me...the right way.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
-I am meeting the Nice New Guy's mom today. I'm not as nervous about it as I was before, but hopefully it goes good. I'll try to be sweet and smile. I've gotten a lot of feedback about this and I will be myself only a little more polite. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.
-The Nice New Guy fucked me in the stairwell of my complex over a balcony in the middle of the night. It was very exciting. Nothing ever gets old with him. I cant imagine what it'd be like having to quit him.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I met a girl about a week ago at a friends mini house party and I think shes perfect for the job. She's bi, her and her guy are in an open relationship and she's down for the get down. Plus as far as chicks go shes my type. Not at all the girl next door.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Anyways, he took me by a few bars that were nothing special then decided that we should go to Westport. We went to about three or four bars in that area, I had a few beers there. The streets were closed off and there were vendors out. I had the best hamburger of my life that night.
CMJ drunk dialed me.
On our journey back home we stopped at a gay bar called Buddies. I had the most fun in that bar, as it wasn't packed to capacity and beyond...like every other bar we went to that night. The music was good and the people were awesome.
On top of it all we took free shots with the bartenders. I had a hot sex shot...it was sweet. I was pleasantly drunk.
Later that night the Nice New Guy fucked me. Actually hes been fucking me three times a day since Monday.
He spoils me.
Monday, March 15, 2010
This day in particular we were at the mansion aka my place, watching girls fight over Ray J...or some other stupid and completely addictive reality television show, when during the commercial break the carnal urge to kiss him took over. Cue the heavy make out session.
Kissing. Licking. Sucking.
My fingers were laced in his hair, he angled my body under him...there was some serious business about to happen. I arched my back up towards him as he pressed himself closer to my body. There was a new urgency in our kiss.
Roug kissing. More licking. Hard sucking.
(Side note: My nipples are waaaay more sensitive with the piercings and any amount of pressure sends me into a mini frenzy.) Free hugs.
I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. He somehow managed to snake one of his hands between our bodies to find my clit, to which he applied pressure. At this point there is not a coherent thought in my mind except him.
All of a sudden he stopped. He looked at me and said, "It would be so cool to have a house boat."
WTF. It was almost hilarious....almost.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I am not accustomed to answering to anyone and explaining myself to anyone.
I'm used to doing what I want to do. I'm used to hanging out with whomever I want...and that's it. Ive never had to stop and think of how it could affect another person and honestly Ive never really cared....yes I'm that selfish, or I was that selfish.
So my confession is that I have never opened up to any one person until now. The seemingly constant flow of emotions scares me sometimes and I don't think I know how to really deal with it.
Oh well, I guess.
Friday, March 12, 2010
-I tried my best to be guarded. Now it is out of my control and I hate it. With everything inside of me, I hate it. What happens now?
-Working nights. My availability is open, but still nine out of ten of my shifts are closing shifts. I do not like it, but if I change my availability there's a chance I wont be scheduled at all. Cant win.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I love that hes open for new things. It keeps stuff interesting.
I paused for a minute. I was searching for something to say that wouldn't make him worry or question things between us. Then I realized that Lover and I didn't end we just stopped...like we've done so many times before, which is probably why he is still talking to me.
I tried to explain to him that what Lover and I had was just a drawn out fling thing. We were on and off and on and off. I don't think he liked the idea of it. I don't blame him.
Things are too open ended with Lover. No matter how many times I say no. He doesn't hear it. I think that's due to the fact that we've always had an open situation. He did his thing, I did mine.
I need to be clear...without seeing him.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Anyways things with the Nice New Guy are good. He has a bad fucking habit of dropping things on me when I'm drunk as if I'm going to forget that shit when I'm sober. Ugh. Some of that shit should have been said weeks ago. I'm still pissed.
Someone asked me what it was like for me to actually claim someone in a relationship. I didn't know what to say, but I can say that I didn't think I could care this way. With Lover it was different, I didn't let myself open up to him enough to really care. I tried to open up to him once, but he soon proved to me that it would have been a bad idea.
I fucking love McDonald's breakfast. What a wonderful way to start the day. It's really too bad they don't serve it all day.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Work sucks as usual, but Ive been getting more hours...which is very much needed, so whatever. I've also been looking for a new job. Not like the last time where I looked for one day and that was it. Its for real this time....promise.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
He told me the night before that he was going to be working all day Monday, which undoubtedly made me sad because I was really looking forward to seeing him. Long story short, eight o'clock rolled around and I get a phone call from him telling me to get ready.
Instead of driving the Mustang he surprised me and came via taxi that took us to the city, where we had dinner, desert, explored the town...etc. Every place we went was by way of taxi. It doesn't sound like much, but the amount of effort he put into giving me something I've never had and always wanted made me happy. I couldn't stop smiling.
KC New York date....best date of my entire life!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Nice New Guy and I have decided to become exclusive. I'm not sure what to say on that bit. It kind of came out of nowhere, but I will add that being with him is easy and doesn't feel forced.
Today he told me that he wanted me to meet his parents.
I panicked a little.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
There is a new manager at my job, which means I need to start looking for a new place to work. Him and I are not vibing well and I don't plan on trying to get along with him. The crazy thing is that I've only met him once.
I'm still screwing the Nice New Guy, which means I'm still talking to him. Its not in me to be a complete bitch to him. He doesn't deserve it, plus I like him. Things are easy with him.
School...Not much to say here. I'm in another math class and so far I'm doing waaaaay better than I did last block, but I'm sure this last week will fuck that up. I'll get it together though, I promise.
Hair- Ive been thinking seriously about colouring my hair red in a few months. Its about time for me to have a new edgy look. I hate blending in.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
He is distracting me from more important things. Things that I need to get in order and I only have a few short months to do so. I also need to pick up more shifts somehow...they cuts hours at my job again and as much as I hate working, I know I need to do it. I could explain that to him, but I don't want to risk him thinking that I care or something.
I talked to the LP Guy...I love that man. He's always good conversation and still my favourite man ever. I will make time for that one. Rob the Roommate is runner up.
Ive had two different offers to join couples in their sexual escapades. Its good to know that I'm first round draft pick.
This might be my year.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I really like that he understands me and how I am. He knows that there is a line and when things get...too intense or too close he pulls back. All unsaid...until recently.
One night he asked me why I avert my eyes when he looks at me. I told him why, but of course he already knew. Last night, when he was doing that thing I like...completely innocent...we were face to face and he asked me why it bothered me. I told him, but now I'm getting the impression that it bothers him. I think he wants the extra intimacy.
After he left we started texting and he said that he wouldn't hurt me. I'm reminded of the conversation we had about me not letting him in. We had that talk before he started 'sexin' me up.'
Monday, January 11, 2010
He is my new addiction. Even after I know I cant take anymore, I want it. We went at it three times, with no more than a five minute pause in between. He recovers quickly and his hands are constantly roaming my body...nonstop, before, during and after. Usually I don't like to be touched that much, its too intimate, but I love when he does it and I miss it when he's not doing it...like now.
He's a very perceptive man. When we hang out I cant help but be reminded of Lover. They have a lot of the not so good things in common.
He also wants to cook for me.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
1. A relaxing vacation or an adventurous trip?
I'm torn. I mean I've always wanted to do the whole Goonies thing, but at the same time I want to just lay back and chill. I'm afraid I cannot choose between the two. Cop out, I know.
2. Get a perfect nights sleep or have amazing sex?
This one is easy and seeing as how getting laid is all I really want to do I'm going to say amazing sex. Who knows, maybe I'll get really lucky and sleep will follow.
3. Rather be intimate with the lights on or off?
Either way. Its all fun and stimulating. There are times I want to see and be seen and times I want the element of surprise...depending on what we're doing and how dark it is.
4. Your S/O be a terrible kisser who could always make you orgasm or an amazing kisser who could never make you orgasm?
Ha. I love these questions. I would rather him be a terrible kisser. Kissing is not important. The orgasms are.
5. Date someone much younger or much older than you?
Easy. Older. I've a thing for silver foxes.
Bonus (as in optional): Which reality show would you be good at? Why?
The Real World...its one big party.
Monday, January 4, 2010
My drought is over thanks to the Nice New Guy. He's such a turn on. He's my current craving and it shouldn't go unsaid that his dick is the biggest I've ever experienced. The first time was uncomfortable, but not entirely unpleasant. Its funny because if I knew before hand what he was working with I would have turned him down, but the things he did to me had me nearly begging for it. I was sore for two days and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. I dig a little pain with pleasure.
As soon as he left I was ready for round two. He has no idea what he's gotten himself into. In fact, he should be here fucking me now.