Sunday, September 5, 2010

Punk'd.

Its strange how a single moment or a few words said in anger or hurt can change your entire view of a person. Once that moment happens there is no turning back.

If you lie to someone then you are forever viewed as the person that lied. Same goes if you are caught cheating. You are forever seen as the cheater and no matter what there is nothing you can do to change it.

Even more so, that person will always resent you for it. It will always be there between you....assuming, of course, that you have been 'forgiven'.

It will come up.

Eventually you start to lose yourself trying to prove to that person that you are worth trusting.

There is no winning in that because one day you'll realize that your efforts are to no avail and there is nothing left. The day will come where you know that love isn't enough.

Friday, September 3, 2010

New Book.

The downtown library is my favorite place these days, I just wish I didn't have to pay for parking every time. If I stay for an hour or less its free or just one dollar, but who carries cash these days? An even better question: Why don't they take credit/debit cards?

In other less depressing news I have found a book that has been keeping my attention pretty well. Its called Kill Two Birds & Get Stoned by Kinky Friedman. It pretty much had me from the first few sentences and it just keeps getting better.

"There are two good things about living in a basement apartment. The first is
that you cant kill yourself by jumping out the window. The second, and this is
the most important one, is that whatever you do and wherever you go, you know
you're always going to be on the way up..."

I'm only on chapter 20, but thus far I think I'd recommend it.

Stuff.

I sit here in this basement apartment drinking hot coffee and sucking down Camel butts, thinking about how I came to this very moment in my life and I got nothing. Oh well. I figure since I've not written anything in a long time, I might come by and ramble a bit. Brace yourselves, its probably not going to make much sense, even more so it might be boring, but once again....oh well.

Things with the NNG are going...alright. We have our ups and our downs, though lately it seems as if our downs lead us into a spiraling pit of flames full of hate and resentment. We can go days without saying two words to each other. Even though we live together and sleep next to each other, if the argument is 'serious' its like we don't exist to the other. We are stubborn that way and I hate that we are so set in our ways that we forget about whats 'important'. Our last three tiffs were close calls and some part of me gives up a little each time, but we always seems to find our way back. Maybe we need a Dr. Phil lesson on how to argue effectively without shutting down, because even though we find our way back it seems as if our 'issues' are unresolved. It is unsettling.

Work is the same. I'm sick of that place. Even though I got a 20 cent raise I'm still in the poor house as if 20 extra cents an hour was going to make me rich or something. I stopped looking for a second job for about a month, but recently started back at my search again. It has become very apparent that I cannot live off this job alone. In all honesty, I knew that and I was prepared to 'deal' with it because the plan was to stay in school, but no. Due to financial aid troubles I am unable to go back to school until I pay $3,500. Unless I strike it rich, its not going to happen.

NNG and I are supposed to be going to Vegas next month for his cousin's wedding. Once again, in all honesty I do not want to go. For one I don't want to be thrown into a situation where I'm being judged on how well I do with his family. I am not a family oriented person. For two neither of us really have the money to go on random trips to Vegas, but its Vegas. Enough said. So I will continue to put my credit cards on the back burner and he will sweep his legal fees under the rug for a few days of boring wedding family events. Let me just say that when I said I was going back to Vegas an innocent family wedding trip was not at all in my plans. Not even a little bit. Its going to suck hard.

My mother is constantly screaming at me to take out a loan from my bank in order to go back to school, "I don't want you ending up like me, get your education early while you still have choices" she says at the top of her lungs. I thought moving out meant I don't get yelled at anymore, but I was wrong. I know she means well, but there is not much I can do with a barely above minimum wage job, so yelling is not going to fix the situation. In her defense education has always been at the top of her list. She is now working on her doctorate, so I understand her strong emotion towards it. She now has two daughters who cant go back to school due to outstanding debts. That's life I guess. Grain of salt and all that.

My mama has mentioned on more than one occasion that she hopes I'm not messing up my life just to be with the NNG, but its hardly his fault. She has something against him, I just don't know exactly what it is. I also don't know if I care really. She'll get over it.