Friday, September 3, 2010


I sit here in this basement apartment drinking hot coffee and sucking down Camel butts, thinking about how I came to this very moment in my life and I got nothing. Oh well. I figure since I've not written anything in a long time, I might come by and ramble a bit. Brace yourselves, its probably not going to make much sense, even more so it might be boring, but once again....oh well.

Things with the NNG are going...alright. We have our ups and our downs, though lately it seems as if our downs lead us into a spiraling pit of flames full of hate and resentment. We can go days without saying two words to each other. Even though we live together and sleep next to each other, if the argument is 'serious' its like we don't exist to the other. We are stubborn that way and I hate that we are so set in our ways that we forget about whats 'important'. Our last three tiffs were close calls and some part of me gives up a little each time, but we always seems to find our way back. Maybe we need a Dr. Phil lesson on how to argue effectively without shutting down, because even though we find our way back it seems as if our 'issues' are unresolved. It is unsettling.

Work is the same. I'm sick of that place. Even though I got a 20 cent raise I'm still in the poor house as if 20 extra cents an hour was going to make me rich or something. I stopped looking for a second job for about a month, but recently started back at my search again. It has become very apparent that I cannot live off this job alone. In all honesty, I knew that and I was prepared to 'deal' with it because the plan was to stay in school, but no. Due to financial aid troubles I am unable to go back to school until I pay $3,500. Unless I strike it rich, its not going to happen.

NNG and I are supposed to be going to Vegas next month for his cousin's wedding. Once again, in all honesty I do not want to go. For one I don't want to be thrown into a situation where I'm being judged on how well I do with his family. I am not a family oriented person. For two neither of us really have the money to go on random trips to Vegas, but its Vegas. Enough said. So I will continue to put my credit cards on the back burner and he will sweep his legal fees under the rug for a few days of boring wedding family events. Let me just say that when I said I was going back to Vegas an innocent family wedding trip was not at all in my plans. Not even a little bit. Its going to suck hard.

My mother is constantly screaming at me to take out a loan from my bank in order to go back to school, "I don't want you ending up like me, get your education early while you still have choices" she says at the top of her lungs. I thought moving out meant I don't get yelled at anymore, but I was wrong. I know she means well, but there is not much I can do with a barely above minimum wage job, so yelling is not going to fix the situation. In her defense education has always been at the top of her list. She is now working on her doctorate, so I understand her strong emotion towards it. She now has two daughters who cant go back to school due to outstanding debts. That's life I guess. Grain of salt and all that.

My mama has mentioned on more than one occasion that she hopes I'm not messing up my life just to be with the NNG, but its hardly his fault. She has something against him, I just don't know exactly what it is. I also don't know if I care really. She'll get over it.

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