Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Coming To Terms.

This is probably going to sound weird, but I can tell that I’m getting older and becoming a real adult. This is a serious breakthrough for me. I’ll explain why.

A lot of times I come here to write about my life and me being stuck in my situation, but I was wrong. It may seem silly, but I really believed that I was stuck. A lot of stuff has been happening in my life that I never write about and I’ll try to touch on most of it now, but I am no longer stuck. I am where I am because of me and only I can change this.

I have not been happy these past few months. Not at all and I do not try to hide it. Those of you who know me know that I am, for the most part, a pretty straight forward person. I say what I mean and vice versa. In my relationship, this has been my downfall. It causes more harm than good, but I will not change that part of me.

I am going to be completely honest in this post and it’s going to bite me in the ass, but this is a long time coming and I need to write about it because I’m still dealing with it. The reason I have not been happy is not due to one single thing it is due to a lot of things.

I had a guy…Lover. I had him. He was mine completely, no matter what. He was always team Jessica; I never had to question his loyalty or his feelings for me. He made it clear…every day. I could always trust him NEVER to break team and he ALWAYS put me first. Of course back then I didn’t appreciate it as much as I probably should have.

Just to be clear, I am not reminiscing. I am reevaluating.

Now I am with a man who is the complete opposite, which is a problem for me, I hope it is obvious why. I, being the person that I am, have mentioned this to him and he made me feel like I was stupid. Plain and simple. Though it’s been proven in our everyday situations and such, he assured me that I was wrong…like I so often am in his eyes.

We have changed and it is clear, but he doesn’t think he has, so again, I am wrong. He is always the first to break team. I don’t give a fuck what he says this is fact….even when it comes to the Shepherd. (More on that later)

Somewhere in the whole mix of my current relationship I’ve lost a little of myself. I have made so many sacrifices for him that I don’t even know what is good for me anymore or what I want. I put him and his comforts, wants, needs and whatever else before my own and a lot of the time it feels like he is doing the same, putting himself before me and that is where the problem is.

We talk, we argue, we yell, we text, we email and at the end it seems like we come to an understanding, but the same issues come back around full circle and it seems like it is happening more often than usual and every single time I feel like we push ourselves further and further apart from each other. When we used to argue, I knew and felt that it was just a speed bump…something that we’ll soon get over, but now we argue and the tension feels like the end of us.

That feeling rips me apart slowly and painfully because I never know what he’s thinking or feeling and most times I am too scared to ask, but I do anyway. What I want is for us to go back to being us. Just us. Together. Alone. Something inside of me says that’s the answer and that we can get back to good. Even after all the hurtful things that have been said, neither of us wants it to be over.

My point is that even if this doesn’t work out, I am not stuck. I am not stuck in this city, at my job or in this relationship. I have options and it took me too long to figure that out. I don’t have to put up with things if they make me unhappy. In every aspect of my life I feel like second best…especially in my relationship. I feel like I do more than what I should. I put in what I want & I get back the opposite. There are days where I wake up & I don't know how I'm going to survive it all. There are days where I never want to get out of the bed.

I'm sick of being broke. I'm sick of feeling alone. I'm sick of doing more than I should. I'm sick of coming home to the same shit. I'm sick of living with slobs. I'm sick and fucking tired of people hating on my dog. I'm sick of being the one who always makes the sacrifice. I'm sick of my feelings being downplayed & swept aside. I’m done with it. Something needs to happen soon.

Now about the shepherd…She’s my dog and she is staying. I don’t care what she does, chews, breaks, licks, spills or gets into she’s staying. End of story.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

New Job.

So I got the job at the casino. The position is Cage Cashier, in case I didn't mention it before. I didn't realize how vigorous the process was for this type of thing. The whole gaming application was ridiculous, but worth it. I get two weeks of training and then I'm on my own. I'm excited. No more retail and all the crap that goes along with it.

The NNG asked me if was going to start hanging out with my other friends when I start having extra money. The answer is more than likely, yes. I want to hang out now, the only thing missing is the money. I think he secretly likes that I'm not able to go and do the things that I want to do at least then he doesn't have to worry about me leaving him behind or something.